Fate led Michael to return to Inverlochy Castle on the west coast of Scotland and he finds it is still lavish, beautiful and well run
Published 3 July 2011 News Review 937th article
Michael, minus jacket and tie, at Inverlochy Castle with Jane Watson and the chef Philip Carnegie (Geraldine Lynton-Edwards)
Years ago I was greatly impressed by Inverlochy Castle, a hotel outside Fort William on the west coast of Scotland. Fate recently led me to return. I'd been told it was sold to a Malaysian and had gone downhill. In fact it was a Malaysian businessman living in Glasgow and it was still lavish, beautiful and well run.
Jane Watson, the general manager, was a waitress when I came before. The chef is now Philip Carnegie, who has a Michelin star. Not always a good sign.
A castle was first built there in 1270; the current pile was finished in 1866. Luminaries who have stayed there include Queen Victoria, the former president of the American Confederacy Jefferson Davis and, surprisingly not mentioned in the literature, Hymie Pockle, Abe Schwanz and Moishe Pippick. There are only 17 rooms.
For dinner the hotel's restaurant offered three menus: gluten-free, vegetarian and normal. You have to wear a tie and jacket. I know of only two places in London that require such formality. Jane explained that when the hotel relaxed the dress code people came wearing trainers and no socks. I wasn't wearing socks but she didn't notice. I was also wearing my pyjama bottoms. I did sport a tie, long-sleeved shirt and proper jacket.
Geraldine said, "You look gorgeous. I'd so like you to dress like this."
"When?" I asked. "Every day," said Geraldine. "You seduced me because you were so well dressed."
"Just shows how things can go wrong in a relationship," I observed.
Geraldine, as always, looked totally beautiful, elegant, good-natured, charming, witty and gluten-free.
I suppose I'd better deal with the food.
Other than a woman at the next table who ignored her friend/husband/plumber and attended relentlessly to her mobile phone, nothing much was going on. Although I could hear the piano from the grand hall, where a pianist in white evening dress was playing the Vangelis theme from Chariots of Fire.
We ordered my new favourite drink, a virgin mojito. It seemed we'd get it until Jane came to announce that the bar had no mint. Posh restaurant like that should have mint.
My Loch Linnhe prawns with pearl barley risotto and ham hock beignet were superb. Then I had sweetbreads "with something", I dictated (please don't ask what), and truffle. Also terrific. The dessert of mango panna cotta with orange and passion fruit was a letdown - too solid, seemed to have far too much gelatin in it. Good meal, though; pleasant staff.
Ps On the coffee tray brought up to the bedroom was a sign: "To have your tray uplifted please dial 204". I suppose if I'd done that, to see the tray was properly uplifted, a crane would have arrived, accompanied by a JCB digger, six burly Scotsmen and a passing seagull.
I put two pieces of jade into a Sotheby's auction recently. They were in my TV lounge at home. I never looked at them. To my surprise one was estimated to sell for £50,000 to £70,000; the other, £70,000 to £90,000. The first one went for £360,000; the second for £70,000. So I received well over £400,000 from Sotheby's.
The jades had been left in London by my father when he went to live in France, taking with him about 50 immensely superior jade carvings. Many were so important they were illustrated in the Encyclopaedia Britannica under "jade".
My mother sold them, even though they were only left to her for life and then to me, to pay her gambling debts at the Cannes Casino, along with highly valuable paintings, furniture and finally the penthouse she lived in. All left to me.
I used to say at today's prices she nicked £50m. In view of the jade prices I now raise this, conservatively, to £100m. Doesn't matter. Mumsy was a gambling addict and a marvellously mercurial person. God bless her. But boy, could I use the dosh.
[I believe it was Sotheby's London sale 11 May 2011 lots 187 & 197;
Lot 187, est £50-70,000, sold £433,250 inc. premium, "A LARGE CARVED PALE CELADON JADE RHYTON QING DYNASTY, 19TH CENTURY the flattened tapered vessel raised on three short feet, well-carved with a handle in the form of a sinuous chilong clambering on one side peering over the mouthrim with its chin resting on the edge, the opposite side forming the spout and adorned with a phoenix modelled in the round with wings outstretched and its tail suspending a loose ring, the exterior incised with archaistic lingzhi scrolls and detached C-scrolls, the stone of pale celadon tone with russet veining to the base. Jade rhytons of this large size are rare and the present piece is unusual for the phoenix carved with wings outspread in the round beneath the lipped mouth; see a smaller example flanked with a similar bird and chilong, but the rounded body decorated with a seahorse and phoenix, from the collection of Lord Tredegar and sold in these rooms, 26th July 1960, lot 127. Birds of this type are more commonly seen on 'champion vases', such as one depicting an eagle above a bear, in the Palace Museum, Beijing, published in The Complete Collection of Treasures of the Palace Museum. Jadeware (III), Hong Kong, 1995, pl. 151.
Compare jade rhytons of related form carved with a similar chilong clambering up the side, but lacking feet, such as one sold in these rooms, 7th March 1978, lot 243; another sold in our New York rooms, 19th March 2007, lot 25; and a third example sold at Christie's London, 4th April 1977, lot 80.
Originally a drinking vessel made from ox or buffalo horn, rhytons were later produced in a range of different media. Jade versions appeared in China in the Han dynasty (206BC-AD220) and were probably introduced from Central or Western Asia in the form of silver or a precious stone. See a jade rhyton from the tomb of the Han dynasty King Nan Yue at Guangzhou, illustrated in Jessica Rawson, Chinese Jade from the Neolithic to the Qing, London, 1995, p. 70, fig. 61. "
Lot 197, est £70-90,000, sold £85,250 inc. premium, "A CARVED PALE CELADON JADE MARRIAGE BOWL QING DYNASTY, 19TH CENTURY the compressed globular body raised on three splayed ruyi head feet with incurved mouth rim, the exterior carved in low relief with a wide band of stylised leafy Indian lotus scrolls, set at the rim with a large pair of flattened monster mask handles suspending loose rings, the stone of pale celadon tone with splashes of cream inclusions. The present marriage bowl is notable for its large size and unusual handles that have been carved in the form of monster masks. Compare a bowl of similar incurved form, but with a plain body on a short foot and flanked by winged dragon handles, in the Palace Museum, Beijing, illustrated in Chinese Jades throughout the Ages. Connoisseurship of Chinese Jades, vol. 12, Hong Kong, 1997, pl. 73; another with four feet, sold in our Hong Kong rooms, 2nd May 2005, lot 701; and a smaller example carved with floral decoration and two winged mask-head handles on a narrow foot, sold in our New York rooms, 19-20th October 1988, lot 308. See also a pair of spinach green jade marriage bowls carved with a similar band of lotus scrolls, but with dragon head handles, sold in our New York rooms, 1st June 1972, lot 186.
Vessels of this type are often referred to as washers or 'marriage bowls' and were popular during the Qing period. They were often carved with auspicious motifs that symbolised the wish for blessings and good wishes upon the owners. Notably, when viewed from the top the monster heads on this piece resemble butterfly handles which were commonly employed on marriage bowls due to their symbolism of marital bliss. "]
I'm an avid tweeter. My tweets are hilarious. My followers grow in number each day. Many of them have phoned 0871 620 4027 to book (only five seats left) for my Times+ one-man show on November 8 at 7.30pm in Wilton's Music Hall, London E1. A second show is planned for November 17.
A lovely lady tweet-follower, Julie, brought me an original US poster for my movie The Jokers, then posters for Death Wish and Death Wish II. Another tweeter, claiming to be a memorabilia seller, offered me £15,000 for the two Death Wish posters if I signed them. They're not for sale. Nor can I get Julie to accept anything: money, goods, whatever. She's rare.
Hymie rents a remote Highland cottage to go and consider life. After a couple of days there's a knock on the door. Hymie opens it and sees a tall, athletic Highlander, who says, "We saw you were alone - we'd like to ask you to a ceilidh."
Hymie asks, "What's a ceilidh?" The Highlander explains, "It's a Scottish party. We start with drinks, and then dinner, followed by dancing. After that we have some sex."
Hymie says, "Sounds nice to me. What should I wear?" "Doesn't matter," replies the Highlander. "It's only you and me."
Michael's missives
Last week you were well dressed and Geraldine looked fantastic. Your host, the "intelligent and witty" peer of the realm, certainly had a sense of humour with his comedy outfit - his dad's jacket, trousers that sat down when he stood up and Cornish pasty shoes.
Michael Freeman, London
Your smart tie and jacket that nearly fitted was a significant improvement on your usual attire. What next? Trousers that match your jacket?
Geoff Greensmith, Surrey
Several weeks ago I read Michael's column with much sympathy as he complained about some hoorays making such a noise at a nearby table that it spoilt his meal. Last week I was tucking into lunch on the Cipriani hotel terrace in Venice and there came this awful, loud braying from the table behind me - some posh British man was giving the waiter a grumpy, over-the-top ear-bashing - so loud as to annoy all the other customers. I turned round to see who the culprit was, and to my astonishment realised it was Michael Winner! Over the next few days I witnessed more of his boorish behaviour, to the annoyance of many around him. Worst was him barking into his mobile phone by the pool - on one occasion so loudly that even long-suffering Geraldine told him to shut up. Two members of staff told me he'd been coming to the hotel for 30 years and always behaved like this.
Paul Hamann, London NW5
Send letters to Winner's Dinners, The Sunday Times, 3 Thomas More Square, London E98 1ST or email michael.winner@sunday-times.co.uk
